Uphill, Downhill, Uphill

Three weeks later and I still remember how to log in to this blog site. Hurray! I must admit, though, that is not the reason why I’ve been MIA. I fell off the wagon. That’s right. I fell off the fat-melting, muscle-aching, mighty wagon of health wellness and fitness.

It started with a trip to the movie theatre to watch ‘The Greatest Showman’ which took me about five minutes to remember while typing this post. “I’ll have popcorn”, I said. I’ll have popcorn only. And then the inevitable happened. My eyes and my finger were pointing towards the big yellow M&M chocolate bag. Ah! Temptation! I gave in.

These past few days, I binged on a big bag of Nav Rattan, a delicious Indian snack introduced to me by my Indian best friend-slash-sister, 3 bars of Toblerone meant to be put in a box to be sent to the Philippines, and fun sizes of Baby Ruths and Butterfingers. Do you think it’s easy to lose weight? F*** no! Ya think I liked myself after all the sugar I consumed? I did not, but, the more I think about it, the more it weighs me down, therefore, I decide to let go.

This past 2 weeks have not been my proudest moment but I think writing about it here as part of the journey provides comfort, that no matter how much we try at times, we’ll get knocked down, but it’s on whether we stay knocked down or rise up that makes the difference. I plan to rise up from all this and begin a new day. Clean slate. So what if it weren’t the perfect two weeks? At least, I tried my best to start on January 1st but, I know I can’t forever hold on to the first week of the month as if I’ve put all the work already. It’s a continuous process and I’m okay starting all over again.

 

What I Want Now vs What I Want Most

Saturday

Chicken Tikka Masala, Chips with Guacamole Dip, Pita Bread with Hummus, Smoked Salmon, Chicken Breast, Quinoa Salad

The items mentioned above are what I had for lunch. No. I didn’t go to an international buffet nor I paid for the food. It’s called Costco food samplers on a weekend.

There are a few places I consider to be my candy store, besides the candy store. There’s Best Buy because I am victim of consumerism and gadgets are my toys, there’s Walmart because everything I want or need is in Walmart. Then, there’s Costco. Except when going inside Costco with an empty stomach and empty cart result to an empty credit card.

I walk in to Costco on a busy Saturday afternoon, walk around to get food samplers, but, nothing fancies me.

The “no cart” rule does not give me the freedom to go aisle by aisle and buy whatever it is I think that I need, which is why I come out spending $15 on a spinach and chicken salad with poppyseed dressing and organic bananas. I had free lunch and did not abuse my credit card. Win-win.

For the most part, I did not crave much on anything. I make my regular protein shake. I ran out of my coconut/almond milk so I settle for the last few drops of whole milk. I turns out to be a good decision because it created a consistency similar to that of a strawberry-banana milkshake.

I sit on the stationary bike and 30 minutes and 1 episode of Life.Church later, I sweat and satisfied with the 300 calories I burned. A phone call and an email from work occupied my time for the next two hours.

Sleep has not been friendly. I watch a new episode of ‘The Crown’ on Netflix and halfway through Prince Philip’s adventures, I fall asleep, only to wake up half an hour later. I am restless, but, I know the only way to sleep for real is to close my eyes. The clock on my side tick tocks and three hours later, I am still fighting the urge to grab my phone and read the news.

I turn off the TV, I turn off the lights, but, nothing works.

My mother calls it a “healing crisis.” I started a new regimen since the first day of 2018 and because I’m eating healthier and exercising, somehow, I managed to stock up on energy I haven’t had in a long time.

Finally, at 4 AM, I go to sleep. I turn off the alarm on my phone. I plan to work beginning at 7 AM on Sunday but, of course, that’s not happening anymore.

Sunday

I watch the same episode of Life.Church while in bed to get my morning started. A little later, I fall back to sleep and would not wake up until eleven.

My best friend arrives only a few minutes after I wake up and hands me a cup of Starbucks coffee. Yes! Coffee! Exactly what I need!

There’s not enough time in the day. I must do groceries now if I want to make it on time for the Golden Globes.

For dinner, I cook a rib-eye steak and roast brussel sprouts. The food is satisfying but what makes it better is eating it while Oprah kills it at the Golden Globes with her “Time’s up!” speech.

At 10 PM, I decide the only way to tire myself is to exercise.

Finally, the sleep cycle is improving. I can feel my body loosen up and give in to a nocturnal delight.

Monday

I wake up after 7 hours of sleep. I don’t feel well-rested but it will do for now. I have so much to do at work today and I don’t want to be late.

I pack my lunch — a salad I bought from Trader Joe’s the day before.

Protein shake for breakfast, salad for lunch,

This is where I learn my lesson. Too much of something, either good or bad, is bad.

I finished my salad but it did not bode well into my system — indigestion, ate too much too fast, lettuce-induced salad causes me gas — no matter what the reason is, I run to the bathroom, sweating profusely, fighting the nausea, and the rest I leave to your imagination.

Rest assured, this will not distract me from staying on the right track.

I overwhelm myself, probably, but all this is for my own good.

Right now, water is my best friend.

Weight List as of 1/8/18: 259 lbs

I started a week ago at 264 pounds. So far, I lost 5 pounds. Hurray!

Staying on track with my weight goals means having to do a sacrifices. It’s not really sacrifice if what I’m doing is for my own good. It means having to give up a pint of Haagen Dazs Vanilla Swiss Almond, a big bag of Doritos, a bar of Lindt chocolate — a few of my favorite comfort albeit junk foods, and replacing them with a bowl of green salad, a 20-ounce bottle of smoothie, and a 30-minute daily exercise.

It’s choosing between what I want now and what I want most.

It’s all common sense, isn’t it?

Instant gratification or delayed gratification?

I pick the latter. It’s the least most of us would choose, human nature and all, but it’s what truly works for the best in the long run.

Happiness is a Choice

I didn’t have enough sleep this past week. Hopefully, that changes next week because let’s face it, we need good sleep — it’s just good old science.

I ate an Asian Wonton salad from Corner Bakery today. It was the best 500 calories ever. I ran into an old health & wellness teacher. I didn’t last very long with her and I didn’t really finish my free sessions with her as sponsored by my boss.

Today, it felt different when I saw her. We greeted each other, “Happy New Year!” And hugged like two long lost friends. She’s all about positivity and I admire that about her but my mind was unable to comprehend that she can be the best teacher for me because firstly, I was filled with anxiety and depression at the time and secondly, my boss paid for the sessions and I felt obligated and probably spied on knowing that they know each other very well.

She walked up to us later when she was leaving and asked what our plans for the year. My closest friends at work and I all echoed the same words, “Work, work work.” My former teacher laughed, offered if she can do once-a-week classes in our building. I surprised myself when I said, “Yes, absolutely! Let’s do that!” She was surprised, too.

I guess, the bottomline is, no matter how stressful my job is, there’s always room for happiness. It’s a choice, I understand that now and it’s the best choice.

Perfection leads to nowhere. It’s never going to be the same day every day even the routine because there’s always going to be a curveball.

I commit to let go of perfectionism and just stay in the right course.

I smoke on and off, mostly on but it’s not giving me the best results, health-wise. My 31-year old self comprehends that it’s best to quit but it’s never easy. I always say that and I always fail.

Tonight, I decided it’s best to just do it. I’m wearing my nicotine patch tonight, excited for the vivid dreams, hopefully happy dreams.

It’s okay not to wear the best workout clothes. The important thing is getting on that stationary bike and cycle — 20, 30 minutes is fine. I don’t have to kill myself.

It feels good, but as my body adjusts to all these positive changes, it’s also in pain. Mostly, it’s my head.

I tell myself, “It’s okay.” It’s not a marathon. One day at a time. One second at a time.

I choose happy. It will always be the best choice. It’s okay. I am okay.

My prime weakness: throat-hurting American chocolatess

My heart beats fast as I click my Event Ticker app. 102 days more to go before Philippines. I run to take a quick shower before bed, my thoughts running wild, questioning myself as to why I did not start to lose weight sooner? Why did I not take it seriously last August? Three months and what do I expect? This is vintage me. I was once a student who waited for the last minute to submit a project.

I have no competitive bone in my body. It’s never my goal to beat anyone at anything in school. But, somehow, I managed to run for class president twice and won, twice. Had I lost, I would’ve been okay but I’m always like that. The student leader — indecisive but comes through, anyway. That was high school. 15 years ago. I never thought I’d be in this position right now where I talk about high school like it’s the ancient times. I don’t do that! My parents do that! Joke’s on me.

My thoughts are still unorganized. I just took a Benadryl pill so part of me is half asleep already, not to mention, it’s past 1 AM.

I finished more packing for the boxes I’m sending to the Philippines. I drove to Costco once again and bought more candies. I was surrounded by dozens and dozens of American chocolates — the stuff I’d eat just because it’s fun or because there’s nothing else better to eat so I might as well finish a Snickers bar, M&Ms, and dunk Oreos in a glass of milk in one sitting. My point is, I was not tempted to have a bite, not once, not even a Hershey’s kisses, not a single candy, at all. Proud of myself? Absolutely.

Now, there are 102 days left before Philippines and I’m taking baby steps. I haven’t sweat a lot since January 1st, so tomorrow, I must start exercising.

Breakfast today was purple yam, spinach/bacon/cheese/dried cranberries/egg salad for dinner today. I ate so much fiber today, I visited a public restroom and my personal bathroom several times.

Good night, world.

Enjoy the rapid fire that is my brain.

My bed’s calling me now.

Tick Tock, You Ran Out of 24 Hours

See, I can plan my day. It can go smoothly and it can fly by and I won’t worry but sometimes, it just hits you…there’s never enough time in a day to complete your tasks.

I work from home twice a week and today, as part of my New Year’s resolution (a list that encompasses all leftover, unfulfilled tasks from the past year), I woke up early and read my emails and listed down my to-do list. At 12 noon, my inbox has 50 new unread messages, I’m nowhere near completing my to-do list, and most of the work I did had today for a deadline.

I managed to escape from all the chaos at exactly 5 PM and transitioned to my personal tasks. It wasn’t much a task but more like an impromptu visit to Costco. A little past 8 PM and $200 dollars poorer, I come home to wrap gift bags for family and friends to be sent to the Philippines, my hometown. Now, I’m sitting in my bed at 2 AM, wide awake, wondering where this post is going to take me.

Well, I did start drinking more water today. The goal is a gallon a day which is equivalent to 128 ounces. I drank about 60 ounces of water. I tried to use MyFitnessPal but it kept telling me that it’s “offline.” I uninstalled, reinstalled, uninstalled, reinstalled and to no avail. I went online instead and completed my food diary there.

Did I do good? Sure. I had scrambled eggs with tomatoes and onion for breakfast and protein shake for dinner. Awesome, right? Rewind to the part when I was so emotionally up and down at 3 PM and was so hungry, I’m scouring food from the plastic bag closest to my bed. Sure enough, I found a bunch of opened chips I did not finish on New Year’s Eve. I ate a bag and a half of chips, temporarily satisfying my growling stomach, only to regret the whole 5 minutes I devoured them.

My story will not change unless I do something about it. This is only the beginning. Sure, I failed halfway through my journey today but I deserve a medal for not opening a can of corned beef at 12 midnight. I drank more water instead, additional 20 ounces on top of the 60 I finished earlier, and went to bed.

I’m hungry right now. Sure, I can eat…but, I won’t.

Happy New Year From Someone Who’s Always Hungry…

I’ve tried to come up with ideas how to begin this new site but I’m not going to try harder anymore. It’s 2018, a new year, and it’s filled with possibilities. Well, at least in the next 12 months. Let it be known that this site has been my 6th attempt to creating a weight loss blog site. The previous sites end up with blank pages, empty promises, and zero results.

The difference between this blog site and the other blog sites I’ve created is I’m going to allow myself to let loose. It’s not going to be as pretty as those weight loss blog sites that show you people who’ve already reached their goals. Of course, they’re all smiles. They just made it to the other side! I’m pretty sure I’ll get there, too but, for now, I’ll be that miserable fool at the bottom of the ladder, getting ready to face resistance as I climb to the top. Hopefully, there’s cake on top but of course, positive results, in general as well. Whether it’s losing all my excess weight and reaching my goal or if it’s only 10 pounds by the end of the year, for as long as I did my part, I will be okay with it.

Let’s face it, I’m one of those who struggle to lose weight. It’s genetics, it’s laziness, heck it can also be craziness. I’m okay with my situation now more than I was a year ago but do I regret not starting last year or the year before that? Absolutely. Everything before today is just a memory. There are moments when I feel like I will never, ever, ever amount to anything when it comes to losing weight.

I’m always hungry, or, at least, that’s what I think. I’m always craving for food when I should be doing other things. It’s a challenge and I’ve experimented over the years, only to fail. I’ve become a cliche. I start a blog the first day of the new year and then the site’s lucky to see me post for the next week, and then nada. Zilch. Empty.

That’s how it feels inside of me because I don’t do anything about it even when I know the only way I can be healthier and lose the weight is to just do what’s right. Eat healthy, exercise, do not apologize. I have to. I’m not getting any younger and this can probably be the most gratifying gift to myself.

So, welcome. If you’re like me, struggling to lose the weight, this one’s for you. If you feel like it’s hard to lose the weight and be healthy, well, heck yeah, it is! But it’s not too late. We’re given another year. I say, it’s never too late.